The Colour of Blood and Other Weird Lies

I fly upon terror wings
Fearless and fucking
Mad

Get the fuck back

Borne of existential dread
Drowning in the wet spot
I’ve made in your bed
Where I fucked the madness out
Of your pretty little head

What have I done

Life is not Christmas
There is no way to win this
There is no end to wish
There is no sweet salvation
In the deepest thrust I give

There is only this true moment
Firmly in my grip
Lost inside your kiss
Hiding from my secret wish
To end this

Wither in waiting
For faith in some ending
That I am pretending
To want

Because I need to want
I need to flaunt
Something

I burn in all the fear
Of my existence
In all the tears
Of your resistance

Let
Me
In

Let me win
Let me love you
Let it begin
Please let me trust you
I don’t want to win
I don’t want to win
I just want to live

I’m burning as you witness

You watch and hold your breath
You feast upon my death
To ease your breath

I burn so you can witness

But you…
You smell the meat
Feed the opportunist
And leave bruises
Broken bones
And spilt fluids
Instead

A beast
In the streets
A sweet treat
In the sheets
A lie and a trick
Made of ribbons and meat
I always give in
And she always eats

Fuck me
Everyone
Is so fucking hungry

Love You Hate You Break You Eat

It’s so hard to see it right
In broad daylight

Why

How many times have I realized
I’m lying
When I’m trying
To be real
To speak clearly

How many lives
Have I
Pulled apart
In my careless want
Of nothing

Will you come to me
With decades bleeding
Between us
Revealing
A wound I inflicted
Without even feeling
The blade in my hand

Am I someone’s monster
Did I harm her
Thinking I had charmed her
Did I break her
Thinking I was making her
Stronger

Am I insane
Do I remain silent
And die in it
A fool that’s been filling his
Own cup
Without looking up

It’s all wrong
The way we are
The way we string
Each other along

Deception
Deflection
Deranged intentions

I am rage incarnate
I am love departed

The gaping hole of loss
The hard abuse of every boss
Of endless disappointment
Endless days of being exploited
By everyone I choose to join with

Take advantage
Place the bandage
Pretend you’re candid
When you planned it

Calculated and deceptive
Motive
Moves you
Forward
Through me

Why do you hate me
Why don’t you stop
When it hurts me
Why do you take
When it breaks me

Why don’t you care?

Not What You Thought, Right?

In the broken translucence of sky pain
I scream your name
I break my face
In ways
I can’t explain

Crumble into me
Toward the limits of personal space
Intertwine yourself
With my fingers
Become my will to act
A string to pull
To unravel and cut into pieces

Reinvent

A path
To follow
And recreate
With twists
With wings
And secret lingering whispers

Lies like ribbons
To paint the sun
To break monotony
With brush strokes
A new colour
A new vision
To behold
To corrupt
And misunderstand
And teach to others

Take my hand
They always say
And away we fucking go
Into the land
Of make believe

Fuck me

Paint me in all the colours
Of violence
Of malcontent
Reshape my face to betray you
To convey truth
With teeth
And terrifyingly deep
Brute cuts

Fuck me

You know you believe
Tea leaves
And stars that speak

Twist your logic to breathe
Easy
To be
A fucking beast
To pretend
You’re not so fucking weak

You cut your teeth
And make your reach
Longer
To pretend you’re not a fucking monster

Ask your mother
She made you
And shaped you

Monsters don’t just appear
From under the bed
And behind your ears

They’re molded and reared
With hatred and tears
With blood, sweat, and fear
With all of the things
That you cling to
So dearly

Fuck me

This is clearly
The end

Drunk Haircut

Everything I loved
I lost

Don’t make the mistake
Of thinking
You’re different

You’re not

Don’t think I’m afraid
Of losing you

Even as my deepest pain
I’m ready
And waiting

I get drunk
And give myself a haircut
You think I give a fuck

I get drunk
And give myself a haircut

Did I fill your cup?
Can you get the fuck up?
And be yourself
For a minute or twelve
Take care of yourself
And get the fuck out
Of my face

Wake the fuck up
Get over yourself
Grow the fuck up
And fill your own cup

Stand the fuck up
Or go lay down
In some other part of town
Please

Why the fuck
Are you just
A shadow
Of your true self
A cowardly mockery you’ve placed on a shelf
Why the fuck
Did you give up

And leave me alone
In this graveyard of fools
And broken tools
Used
For nothing

Why the fuck
Did you give up

When the fuck
Did I give up

What’s the question
Where’s my cup
I need a fill up

Please
Help me
Please don’t
Abandon me
Please
Free yourself
From that fucking shelf
Before I break myself
And burn it all down

Please
Believe me
Please see
Yourself

Kittens and Christmas

I gaze upon her shining eyes
And feel the weight of long black nights
Dissolve

She fills me
Gently
Wills me
So gently

Her touch
Conquers me

Lets me in
Secret skin
Shows me
Overwhelming
New endings
Evolving edges

Awakens me
From slumber
Silence
Darkness
Blindness

She helps me speak my mind
And find the lines
I cross

She loves me

My little flower
Blooms inside my heart
Growing in the darkest parts
Filling me with little lights
With blood and love
And care and kindness

When darkness seduces my mind
When I fall inside
And hide alive and wide eyed
My heart aches to find this

To find her before me
Beside me
She finds me
And breaks through the lonely
Prison that holds me

My silver haired kitten
Sitting sweetly in my lap
Licking and tickling
And healing my fat
Fuck ups

So willing
To warm me
To love me
Adore me
And trust me
Each morning

The glory
Of her love before me

My sweet little kitten
I swim in her eyes
And I’m swelling
I’m smitten

My silver haired kitten

I’m singing
From kisses
And whispers of Christmas
The future that this is

Excited to wake up each day
I will witness
Her eyes gazing on me with love
And forgiveness

Count to Five and Survive

Sometimes…

Five seconds
Is too long
Too late
To act

To miss the map
No going back
To bridge the gap
Once it forms
To stop the slap
Once it’s adorned
In rose

Five seconds
Is beyond touch
Can change so much
Can change it all
Without realizing
Or feeling the fall

I’ve been dropping balls
All along
It’s shocking how often I have been wrong

I have been off
For so long
And all along
I thought I was spot on

Five seconds
Is a long time
Longer than your mind realizes

Far and wide
Much more than perspective
Confides

Too late
It’s changed
I waited
And blamed
The world
Blamed you
And ruined your words

But it was all me
Boys and girls
Friends and ghouls

Sometimes
Five seconds
Is all it takes
For fuck’s sake

Fuck your world
I curse and twirl
Painted in negatives and hyperbolic words

I burn until it curls
And die in a whisper
Flame to wisp of smoke to
A mystery
Unfurled
Forever and never
Your world is swirling
In the soup I have turned in

I did it without weapons
It only took five seconds
And everything changed

Life and death
In the same breath

I love you to your soul
As I grow cold
But it’s not enough

Because I’m not the one
I give myself to the flaming sun

Burst into fire
I come undone

I’m sorry
For every word
I’ve misunderstood

I love you
And I’m ashamed
For all the pain
I’ve created

I don’t need forgiveness

I simply need
Your happiness
Even if it means
Eternal distress
For me

I hope you remember me
Kindly

“It was always the plan
To put the world in your hands”

Digital Light is No Angel

She said she was a light for others

So bright
It made it hard to truly see her

So bright that it smothered
Reason and meaning
What you thought you were seeing
Obscuring the truth
Of what you believe in

She was a light
That was too bright
To be leading
Too bright
To believe in

Because you couldn’t see in

She laughed and she danced
And smiled in the sun
Bold and upfront
She was many and one

A prancing diamond
Shining
So bright that she’s blinding
Everyone

She thought she knew better
Than birds of a feather
She wanted to lead
To be better
And feathered

She wanted to teach
But couldn’t write letters
She wanted to be
But instead became tethered
To all of the tales
That she long ago weathered

She thought she was a special one
But she was dumb
Like everyone

Confused by her own
Excitement and growth
Thinking she knew the way to go
For everyone

For me, a man she didn’t know

She knew better than me
Talking down at me
Condescendingly
My therapy
I didn’t ask for

But hey
I’m dumb
Like everyone

I’m not the one
To point a gun
Judge anyone
Hurt anyone
No matter what

There is no
Scenario
Where it’s alright
To harm someone

How the fuck do we live with that?
How many times can you break bad
Before you’re a Chad

Taking all the cash
And getting fat
And hoarding wealth

Not caring about anyone
Except yourself

Dead Ends on an Infinite Loop

I’ve been to a thousand worlds
And find this girl before me
I take a step with hesitance
My heart is sad and hopeless
Warning

But there is no choice
When falling
You just step in it
And hope you live through it
And you want it
To risk it
You want to
Risk it all
To be so enthralled

There is no
Hello
Goodbye
In this lullaby
In this song we cry
At each other

There is no
Lullaby
In this broken sky
Where we all have died
And been kept alive
Forced to survive
And die
At the same time
Every night

This is why
We never try
Let life pass by
Goodbye
Goodbye
My idle mind
My idols
And my will to die
Goodbye
My friend
It’s been a slice

A real long night

Heaven on Fire

Sometimes poetry can’t describe
That look in her eyes
The sound of her sigh
Or how it makes me feel inside
My mind is winding
Flying
High

I hide
My excitement
I try
But I’m blind
And alive
And lost
So gone
In her eyes

Sweet
Songs
Sing inside me

Sweet
Sublime
Sweet beautiful mind
Sweet kitten of mine
Come lay in my lap
Let me help you unwind

She parts her lips
And gasps
She moves her hips
And lets me slip
Inside her grasp

Lets me slide
And opens wide to push my might
Inside her life

She manifests
She burns desire
She drops to her knees
And sets me on fire

Soft bronze eyes
Look into my light
Look up with the longing
Of kittens and kindness

Look up with the hunger
Of ten thousand lions

While I am on fire
And lost in the highest
And brightest
Of flames of the purest desire
Pushing against her throat like a tiger
Fucking her like I’m possesed and on fire
Devouring her pain until nothing remains
But blood in our veins

Pumping out love
Like it’s made in the rain

I am the one when I’m buried inside her
She is the sun
And I’m blind
Standing by her

We will become
A great light and a fire
To bring life to the world
And to life bring desire

We’ll reach to the heavens
And then we’ll reach higher

We’ll pick up the torch
And light it on fire
We will be one
And our love be the pyre
To burn out the pain
Of the dead left behind her

I kiss her mouth and melt
She looks at me softly and knows how I felt
I hold her face in my hands and melt
I’m struck again by the hand I’ve been dealt

Thank the gods and the back door to hell

Cowards and Flowers

I’m trapped
In a room
Full of silent cowards
They act like mice
But their heads turn like owls

Feed them twice
And they’ll cling to you for life
Feed them at night
And you’ll be sleeping under flowers

Never trust the gut
Of a starving spineless coward

No one says a word
I speak into the void
No one says a word
Every eye avoids me

Cause no one says a word
We just repeat the things we’ve heard
Unprepared and burned by hurt
And never dare a naked word
Because we’re way too fucking scared
For that

Standing out is death
By billion rats
In hats
With teeth and traps
And all of that
Madness

Show me how you care
Show me something real and rare
A thought that’s not prepared
If you dare

No wait
A face
No walls
In place

That truly doesn’t care
If it’s seen bare
And aware
And staring
Into the void
Carelessly

Who cares
Right?

Why are you scared
Who are you scared of
Why are you scared
What are you so fucking scared of

Your face
My grace
My grave
My love

Fuck it
Fall
Fuck the monsters
We’re all androids
After all
(repeat ad infinitum)