Note To Self: Destruction

How long can a person stagnate
In a single repeating loop
Before they lose themselves
Before they dissolve completely
Into the way
They have paved

How long can silence hide you
Before your voice is lost
In the white noise
You’ve buried your head in
Alarming attempt to drown in
Your own denials

Alarming attempt to separate
Eviscerate
Complicate and decimate
Every state
That wakes you

How long have I been sleeping here
I look so old
How many years
Of my own existence
Have I missed?

How many days repeated here
I must have known
That I, alone
Had the choice
To move along
To just move on

I must have known
I’d be pulled into the gears

I must have known
That all these years
The machine we built
Was fed by blood
And oiled by tears
Why would I think
I’m safe in here

I must have known

When I plugged myself into the chair
Held in place with wires and care
My house of cards
Waiting for air
To destroy me

How long can a person hide their face
Before they forget they became
The replacement

Shame and a waste
You could have been you
But you were replaced
With a fake
That nobody likes
Anyway

Good job, ace

Like a boss
As we say

The Void Beyond The Red Carpet

(*Alternate title* The Magnificent Tomb)

This is the moment
It has always been
Beg for salvation
With the eyes of dying youth

Fading breath of desperation
We will not survive
We will draw the line
Beyond this eternal frame

To immobilize the terror of anxiety
In silence
We will hide from the void
And be left blind
By the cries of the whining youth

Beg for salvation
With lazy limbs
And empty heart

Demand the prize
While refusing to be alive

“No justice
Found in tombstone eyes
And cancelled minds”

Command with lies
To justify
The stagnant life of catered survival

Retire the spirit on ice

Crying want
A flaunt of formless voice
The eager wager the flight for fancy
Leaving entrails of dirt
And claims of gold
To fill the hole

Trick the soul
Into submission

Ask me not
I will watch myself
Growing slower
Receding into empty dark
Not for want
But lack of heart

The eyes grow cold
Opening the flower fold
To extinguish the light
Of god

To secure
The stagnant void

To become
The impenetrable coward

(…Limbless
Listless
Effortlessly
Lifeless…)

Once we had to fight for life
If we hoped to survive
Now we fight for nothing
While we wait to die

The Degeneration of Love

IV

Cascades
Broken colours
Mirrors
In shards of light

(cliche)

Ideas
Broken glass
Lasting far past
Endless silence sight

(cliche!)

Night is roaring
At the fading light

(always the same)

III

And nothing passes
In mirrors
Cutting down horizons
To shine an endless reflection
Of itself
All over my breaking face

Arrange the colours
Mechanical lines divide
To make the spectrum shine
Through my eyes

To change my mind
Arrange the shards of glass
Refractions blasted
To hide the sun, stains, past
Trick my mind
To paint a lovely false sublime

(The blinding light is fine
They always say
But they always look away…)

II

Choking down my will to breathe
To please
I laugh at my mind

Close my eyes
To hide
From life
And living
And you

Don’t remind me
This time
Can’t fix my eyes with your lies

There’s nowhere to hide

…But there are places to fly
When you understand why

I

Spirals of oozing concrete
Form
To point the way

Endless tongues into the mouth of a monster
Sweet lullabies
To make us stay

A little longer
Always feeling, falling away
And I’m going to do it again today

…And nothing passes
In mirrors
Cutting down horizons
To shine an endless reflection
Of itself
All over my broken face

The Fuckboy Twitch

Sittin’ at the sex clinic
Swiping on Tinder
Hottie sits across from me
Starin’ at my finger

Gotta get off
Gotta get off
Gotta get outta here

So many girls
So many worlds
To enter

So many moments
For my magic fucking finger

Why, why, why,
why, why, why, why
Does she entice my lusting eyes…

Dust, disease, rash, relief
Nothing ever stops me

I’m filled and quenched and satisfied
Exhausted, fucked and pacified

I’ve eaten so much pie
That I’m permanently high
And I want more

Why, why, why, why,
why, why, why…

My monster lust
It must
Envelope you in carnal trust
Consume you, bond in sweat and musk

It needs you willing on your knees
Enthusiastic smiling treat
It needs you soft so whimper please
Beg for me

And I will give you what you need

Submit yourself before my beast
And we will break the monsters free

You look through me with smiles and say…

Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I have diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs

And you go down
I start to swell

I’ll never fight
I’ll never tell
The softness swells…

Birthday twist
The hammer hits
And breaks the bell

Keep it sweet
Impersonal

Modern metro sexandgo

Concentration Camp On Wheels

Machines of God

?

Limbo
This is the same
Walked through a new door
Yesterday

Still waiting

I want to blame
I’ve got nothing to say
I’m walking down these halls of shame
Faceless
Right beside you
Just behind you
Think you’d have something to say

I’m blind
In the eyes of you
You’re clueless
In the valley of fools
I’m you
Fuck you
Yeah, you know it, too

You look so used

!

What am I to do
Take a job
Be a tool
Screaming fuck you

You do it, too

That won’t do
That’s not cool
At all

Look at you
Dull and droll
Playing fool
For dough

Playing ho
Dull and droll

Look at me
It’s too easy
To be breezy these days

So many ways to be lazy
Getting by is too easy
So many ways to be sleazy
So easy to be greedy

Pardon me
I didn’t mean
Please
Feel free

It’s so easy

All this time on our hands
Clean and polished
Waiting
Trimmed and perfect
Ready
To be demolished

Mostly cruel
Like you
Pushing stools
Feeling rude

Mostly hostile
Aiming crossbows
At your heart

Mostly juvenile
Taking part
To break apart
The rules

I’m not human
I’m a tool
I’m not me
Entirely
Performance rules

Animal is rude

I’m an animal
I’m afraid of
Being an animal

Dull and droll
Playing ho
I don’t know

Dead end eyes
On my mind

The Old Ones Whisper To A Dead Moon

Void
Glaring beautiful moment in agony

Staring at the ash collecting
Pouring
Never still
Vacant
Never ill
Lost between the lines
Of reason

Animal
I can smell your brains
Winds of change are rattling chains
You say
Body still
Brain retreats to deeper wells
Deeper still
Embraced by chains
Kept safe
From the emerging urges of beast
Kept safe in the brain
From the body

Void
Boredom pouring over
Ooze like glue
Falling?
Further

Endless forever inside this
In here
Avoiding the majestic collection of molecules
Composing the moment

Withering the wrinkled meat
Restricting the hands, the feet
The mouth
Oh my god
But the eyes
Kept inside
The ears are blind
To cries
The eyes
Drifting through this endless mind

Void

Fantasyland Of The Optimist

This is my world of make believe
I’ll make you believe
And then you will see

This is my world of make believe
And I will believe

I live in a shell
And call it a cell
And hope for the best
That’s offered in hell

Faith, I believe
But I don’t feel well

You never could tell

This is my world of make believe
My false reprieve

Pretend to believe
I want to be free in a world full of thieves
That I want to do good for the profit of fiends
For bloodsucking thieves

Pretend to believe
That this is my world of make believe

Think that I’m safe in the faith of my shell
But see with each step that things aren’t going well

I’ll never tell
That all that I know is going to hell
Wishing them well
Faith, I believe
That this is not hell

Faith, I believe
I’m really not alone in my shell

When all things around me
Have all gone to hell

…I will find a way to be
You and me

Faith, I believe
I’m really not alone in my shell
For you’re here as well

You will see
And then I’ll believe

You and me

Abasement Of The Masochist

Deep this wound’s revealing
I’ve kept myself from any feeling

I’ve kept myself from ever healing…

Scarred, I’m broken
Took this pain to be a token
Of my love for you

Broken down by my own virtues

Lost my way, don’t want to move
Won’t you speak
I don’t know what to do

Can’t find one thing with any value

Tell me it’s not true
Show me something good inside you
Say you hold it as a virtue

Tell me that it’s true

Deep this wound’s revealing
All these things I’ve been concealing
To spare your feelings

To keep myself from ever healing

Put your misery in me
To be
A token of my love for you

Won’t you speak
Please
I don’t know what to do

My skin is peeling
Scar myself to cry for you
To spare your feelings
I’ll keep myself from ever healing

A token of my love for you

The Grand Blueprint of a Black Hole

Flipping switches
My God
Can you believe
The white blindness
When you try

Can you believe
All the lies that claim to be eyes
Of the mind of God
Can you believe me
Call me wise

My God

You believe your own mind
Your ideas
Your things you call true

Values, virtues

The regime of feelings
Teach me how to feel about sex, war, rules and art
Teach me how to ignore my heart
To control my heart
So that my personality can be creative art

Constructed moral feelings
Bloom from other times
Other minds
Asking why
And answering with lies

Pictures to die for

The science of labeling this thought
To give a name, to define something that cannot
Be defined
In a single mind

Ideas
Preciously we cling because that’s all we have

We turn them into facts
To act as an illusory mask

(As if even physics were an absolute truth
Though the very roots
Of this idea
Stem from the human perception of the thing
Instead of from the thing itself –
As if to say
You can see from my perspective
As if it were your own…)

Try
Go ahead – try very hard
Always tired
Always playing cards
With the heart
Always confusing the thought
Before it starts to process
The moment

Wasting time
Waiting for the crime of the century

The Trail Behind You Is Death

I’ve been pissing crucifixes in the snow these days –
to mark my territory, you know.
My animal instinct to say that I have been here,
that I am here,

a symbol of my awareness.

My eagerness to summon my will.
A subtle mind revealed in all things,

a careless ashtray,
a staggered path in the snow,
a meticulous,
unmolested,
uninviting dress shirt, carefully tucked in evenly,
perfect seams.
Dirty hair.

Yellow snow in the shape of a crucifix is not the sign of a dog,
or a squirrel.